Yoga

ananda marga is sanskrit for "path of bliss." (actually, i knew long ago that ananda meant bliss -- i actually wanted to name my someday-daughter ananda, but someone beat me to it.) it's also the name of a yoga center tucked into an quiet, unassuming street (literally, maamo street) in teacher's village in quezon city. which is where i found myself bright and early saturday morning.

and when i say bright and early, i mean bright and early. i crawled home from jonel's birthday dinner at one in the morning, woke up promptly at 630am, left the house promptly (again) at 730am. all this promptness resulted, in of course, me arriving promptly at 830am in mcdonalds philcoa, where i was to meet my buff and sporty officemate raech (who, incidentally, i wasn't even speaking to last week).

Sunshine

the "early" part took care of the "bright". and that was... kind of amazing. i don't get to enjoy that kind of sunshine and breeze, being dead to the world usually until noon. usually. it's an understatement to say that things have been unusual lately.

if there's any one thing that would have made "path of bliss" real to me, it would have been the sunshine. the way it fell through the welded iron openings of the trike i rode, creating pockets of light and dark on my exposed ankle or blotting the fine brown hairs around raech's face into copper light. the way it streamed through the trees and welcomed me into the house, along with the creaking of the gate and the tentative smile of a woman sitting in the front yard. or the way it warmed the iron benches that i sat on while having lunch, making me feel oddly alive and peaceful at the same time.

and i would have missed all of that if life had just been a little different. if i had insisted on being the way i had been before.

Me, myself and...

the yoga in itself was good. i worked up a light sweat while doing the warmups, and alternated between complete, focused grace and flop-down-on-the-mat, tummy-jiggling embarrassment during the three basic yoga postures we did. all the way through, i felt i owned my body. that i was taking care of it. that we were friends who were learning to do things together. those are nice ways to feel about your body on a saturday morning, especially if you never expected you would.

one of the things i really liked was the bit of personal massage after. who knew i could make myself giddy and faint just by running my index finger around my face a couple of times, or rubbing my hands down my calves? suddenly, in that moment, it made no sense to pay strangers to take care of my body when it was so satisfying to take care of it myself.

it was so satisfying, there was no stopping the next image that flashed in my mind: my fingers tracing the same path on the face of someone i love, and seeing it bring the same peace and satisfaction i felt to his features. his eyes would close and he would relax even just for a little while, maybe pushing a long workday further away from him, and somehow that touch would melt into one of the miniscule million things that brings us closer to each other.

i didn't stop the thought at the time, since thinking of his features in such bliss was actually pretty blissful for me too. but later i wondered: three and a half years. is that all it takes to create such difficulty in separating myself from marlon... even just in my mind?

"Completely relaxed"

i fell asleep halfway through the guided relaxation bit. either i'm the easiest person in the world to suggest things to, or i can just be extremely... present. tell me my toes are relaxed and they'll feel like practically falling off, like bits of jelly. i zonked out at around the time the synthesized female voice (which raech found extremely disturbing) was telling me that my chest was "relaxing... relaxed... completely relaxed."

the vegetarian lunch served at the center was simple and satisfying, veggies with tofu and red rice for fifty bucks. i was so completely relaxed i barely ate. must've spaced out through the entire meal. also, i was so completely relaxed i rationalized taking a cab home instead of commuting (you know, to prolong the relaxation). then i zonked out on my own bed with the lights off for about two hours.

ah well. at least we know it works. and if you think about it, "completely relaxed" isn't such a bad place to be on a saturday morning. or the rest of the time. like monday mornings when you're waiting for a client. *ehem*

Unrecognizable

what in the world has happened to my life?

in five days, without lifting a finger or asking anyone for anything, i've received one full-time job offer, two business opportunity offers, one freelance editing gig, and a writing assignment.

only the writing assignment is from someone i haven't only talked to once in my whole life. the most recent of the business offers (just about ten minutes ago) is from a woman i've never spoken to, but knew by face. we bumped into each other this morning on the mrt, ended up chatting and she got my number.

at hindi ko man lang pinuhunan ng laway 'tong mga 'to!!!! susme!!!

i'm doing three things for the first time in the next three weeks: yoga class with raech tomorrow, surfing with my sister next weekend, and attending my first flamenco class on the 28th.

another first, albeit a jarring and slightly surreal one: the first ever hate mail of my life is on the way. but at least he warned me about it. thank God for small blessings. but man. i've never gotten hate mail!

our neighbor told my mom last tuesday that i made her day by just smiling at her.

my mom is happier than i've seen her in a long time. she keeps thanking me for it. what the...?

and...

the ultimate proof that my world has tumbled headfirst into a blender...

i wore a sleeveless top today. (haha akala n'yo kung ano, no?) my sister and my mom dressed me up this morning for jonel's chinese new year party and they were amazed that i actually looked... good. in a sleeveless top that belongs to my sister.

okay i wore it for about an hour. before leaving the house, i changed out of it at the last minute, haha. i ended up wearing one of my favorite tops, one i wore in my high school grad photo. it felt kind of... more me. or more like the old me.

so maybe i'm not quite ready to be unrecognizable yet.

but has life ever waited until we were ready?

:-)

First steps

this must have been what it was like, learning to walk in a world that was huge and unknown and terrifying and exciting.

shaking, falling, getting up, taking a step. crawling (groveling? haha) a few times.

or it might not have been what it was like.

cool.

===

jeline posted this on her lj, and i'm nicking it. i have something i don't have the words for. i think this one comes pretty damn close.

Recovery
Edward Hirsch


It was as if the rain could feel itself
falling through the air today, as if the air
could actually feel its own dampness, the breeze
could hear a familiar voice explaining the emptiness
to the dark elms that swayed unconsciously along
the wet road, the elms that could still feel
their own branches glistening with rain.

It was as if the sky had imagined a morning
of indigos and pinks, mauves and reddish-browns.
The smiling young nurse who helped you in the car
was wearing two colorful ribbons in her auburn hair and
somehow they looked precisely like ribbons gleaming
in the hair of a woman helping you into a car.
I believe I had never seen ribbons before.

And suddenly I was staring at asphalt
puddled with rainwater. And bluish letters
purpling on a white sign. And sliding electric
ENTRANCES & EXITS. And statues bristling with color.
The yellow sunlight filtered through the clouds
and I believe I had never seen a street lamp
shimmer across a wavy puddle before.

The road home was slick with lights
and everything seemed to be crying out, just
this, just this, nothing more, nothing else!--
as if the morning were somehow conscious of itself.
When you leaned over and touched me on the arm
it was as if my arm needed to be touched
in that way, at exactly that time.