Anticipation

this week, i've found myself fantasizing wildly that i could split myself into three different people. i feel like shouting one big "mismo!" to jeline's latest lj entry.

it seems that wrestling with minutiae is the way my mind has chosen to deal with the enormity of what's up ahead. i'm almost glad there's no time for muni-muni. crossing off one item at a time from my to-do list has come to provide little bursts of strength -- fuel for fending off the paroxysms of panic that would have engulfed me if i was a little more uncertain.

but i tell myself, i'm stronger than that now. with past tours, i used to rely on the trip itself to cause some kind of transformation in me, but i can't help thinking now that the change has already begun. there are more things to do and less time to do them than ever before, but i'm not panicking. (last week was a different story. i was a basket case! i was almost sorry when the sedatives from my allergy-induced trip to the e.r. finally wore off.) i've been more relaxed in rehearsals than i have in a long time. and i think i've figured out why.

it's because i know very soon, the worrying and working and juggling and balancing and mental dashing back and forth will cease to exist. and i'll be finally able to truly, utterly focus on the one thing that i want to do, the one thing i am going to europe for -- to sing.

if there's anything i hunger for at the moment, it's the luxury of being able to focus. figuratively, i'm in ten different places now. but very soon i know i will be allowed to gather myself up and plunk myself down and just be present in one place, whether it's a church in paris or a rehearsal hall in normandie. and the anticipation of that moment will be enough to pull me through.